Despite our most careful preparations and good intentions, difficult conversations often go awry. Before we know it, the conversation morphs into something entirely different and we find ourselves knee-deep in a heated conflict, instead of what could have been a Productive Conflict conversation. What is it that makes these conversations spiral downward so quickly?
It’s All About the Motives!
All too often, we approach a difficult conversation with the intention of getting our way or winning the debate. We are sure we’re right and just need to convince the other person. Or perhaps we know we have the answer to the problem and simply want to push that solution. These motives, however, are faulty and will likely lead to a lack of results, damaged relationships, and even failure! Productive Motives, in contrast, give us options and solutions that serve both parties.
The Power of Productive Motives
Sometimes you sincerely do have productive motives, but the other person doesn’t trust that you do because of the way you’re approaching them. In either case, if the other person senses your motives are faulty (i.e., to be right, to win, etc.), you can be sure they will get defensive and disengage.
When you shift to Productive Motives, you will have 90% of what makes a difficult conversation successful! The rest is semantics and process. Three critical components of productive motives:
- Have the other person’s best interests in mind; they need to know you care about what they care about.
- Truly want to understand their perspective; inquire and listen!
- Create a win/win solution where you both get what’s important to you.
3 Motive-Changing Questions
Sometimes you truly don’t have productive motives because of the stress, conflict, and frustration you’ve been experiencing with the other person. If you are having a hard time shifting to productive motives before having a difficult conversation, stop to consider:
- Courage (ME): Look in the mirror and ask yourself, “What can I do differently?”
- Curiosity (THEM): Put yourself in their shoes and ask, “Why might they be behaving this way?”
- Collaboration (US): Put on your thinking cap and ask, “What is the ‘and’ solution?” (vs. either/or thinking)
Honestly examining and shifting your motives before a difficult conversation will significantly increase the likelihood of a productive outcome.
“Productive Motives” is just one of the many tools we teach in our Productive Conflict training. Learn more Productive Conflict tips in our blog 3 Common Mistakes Made During Conflict Conversations.
