Keys to ending complaining on your team
As a manager, often your direct reports just want to come and complain to you about other team members, work issues, other departments, etc. They usually have no intention of fixing the situation – they just want to vent. Here are techniques that will not only stop the complaining but also teach your team to move to action on working through problems and challenges.
Complaint to request
Behind every complaint is a request to be made. If you can get your team to identify the request (basically what they need to be different) and ask for it, most often the complaint will go away.
This starts at a young age for all of us. A child identifies a problem by complaining they are cold or thirsty instead of asking for a jacket or juice. But it extends into adulthood! We complain that one of our teammates is not doing their fair share of the workload but we won’t directly ask them how to specifically increase their contribution to the project.
Let’s make sure we are on the same page
Here is how it typically goes (and I only know this because I managed for 13 years and am embarrassed to say it took me 10 years to figure this one out!) … One of your team members comes in your office and starts complaining about another team member and asks you not to say anything to them. Sound familiar? You want to be the caring boss so you listen and express empathy for their situation (and stop there). You think you are helping them feel better but really YOU are keeping them stuck in a place of suffering. This ongoing problem made me realize I wasn’t all that great at being a manager and something needed to change!
Here was my plan to change how I handled complaining: when a team member would come into my office to complain, I would stop them and say:
“I just want to make sure we are on the same page. Are you here to (1) vent, are you (2) looking for coaching so you can address the issue, or are you (3) asking me to get involved to help address the issue?”
The response I most typically got was “I just want to vent.” I would say, “Okay great, you have four minutes to vent. Go for it!” After they were done, I would go on to say that while we all need to vent at times, the venting has no commitment to taking action to solve the problem and that wasn’t being responsible. I also let them know that I saw one of my key roles is helping them work through challenges by coaching them to fix it or to get involved myself to help fix it. I would not be a great boss if I just let them stay stuck in a bad place without resolving the source of the complaint in one of those two ways.
Be persistent – it usually takes three times to see a change
After I started this approach, each time a team member would come in my office, I would ask them the same thing: “I just want to make sure we are on the same page. Are you here to vent, are you looking for coaching so you can address the issue, or are you asking me to get involved to help address the issue?” Usually by the third time the team member would come to me about that issue, they would start by saying, “Hey, I was wondering if you could coach me on how to best handle this situation,” or “I need your help and was wondering if you could get involved.”
What a difference it makes
Nothing is worse than a team that is stuck and constantly complaining. Engagement and morale start to go down, negativity takes over, and productivity decreases.
How sweet it is to have a team (and it starts with the manager!) that works through issues and challenges when they arise, recognizing that a complaint is a signal that a problem needs to be addressed (and a request likely needs to be made). The team becomes more cohesive and collaborative and they are communicating more effectively by asking each other for what they need to move things forward. This, in turn, helps you to spend less time listening to your team persistently venting which gives you more time to focus on things like strategy, priorities, and being able to coach and mentor your staff to grow in their positions.
